Boring As Heck

Bigfoot is for Real is the latest bestseller from acclaimed author Porb Dingus, a Nebraskan pastor who wrote the 2010 book Heaven is for Real, in which his 4 year old son, Flumbo Dingus, visited heaven during an emergency appendectomy. In Bigfoot, Flumbo undergoes another emergency procedure, and when he awakens, describes his meeting with the legendary Sasquatch – in stunning detail. 

“Well, with the movie coming out so soon – April 2014, mark it down – we decided that this was the perfect time to release a new book,” said Porb Dingus in a recent interview. “We said, “Flumbo, we’re going to need you to get very sick again, so we can write about whatever you see while the doctors are operating on you.” So we moved him into a college dorm for a few weeks until he contracted bacterial meningitis, and boom, he meets Bigfoot. I mean, Bigfoot. Can you believe it? It’s already number 1 on the New York Times Best Seller list. Amazing.”

“I almost died,” added Flumbo.

According to Flumbo, Bigfoot:

• is approximately 7 to 12 feet tall
• is covered in hair
• is in “okay” shape
• has been having financial issues (“He calls himself Shopsquatch,” said Flumbo)
• is definitely Christian (“He had a Bible that said “Bigfoot’s Bible” on the cover,” added Flumbo)
• believes abortion is the greatest threat facing America today
• thinks the Yeti is “kind of a dick”
• crochets
• thinks Flumbo is a cool and good name
• has read Heaven is for Real and enjoyed it immensely
  
• purchased his copy of Heaven is for Real on Amazon.com, using the promo code PORBFLUMBO
• thought Greg Kinnear’s turn in The Matador was “criminally underrated”
• is extremely excited for the April 2014 release of the Heaven is for Real movie, starring Greg Kinnear

Critics believe the Dinguses have lied and scammed their way onto the bestseller list. Porb denies this. “Bigfoot is real,” he says, convincingly. The family has dealt with their fair share of criticism over the past few years, but Porb believes there’s nothing more Christian than benefiting from a son dying and then coming back to life. “If Jesus had met Bigfoot when he died,” he says, believably, “you can bet God would have included it in the Bible.”