Boring As Heck

Month: January, 2014

Bigfoot Is For Real

Bigfoot is definitely real.

Bigfoot is for Real is the latest bestseller from acclaimed author Porb Dingus, a Nebraskan pastor who wrote the 2010 book Heaven is for Real, in which his 4 year old son, Flumbo Dingus, visited heaven during an emergency appendectomy. In Bigfoot, Flumbo undergoes another emergency procedure, and when he awakens, describes his meeting with the legendary Sasquatch – in stunning detail. 

“Well, with the movie coming out so soon – April 2014, mark it down – we decided that this was the perfect time to release a new book,” said Porb Dingus in a recent interview. “We said, “Flumbo, we’re going to need you to get very sick again, so we can write about whatever you see while the doctors are operating on you.” So we moved him into a college dorm for a few weeks until he contracted bacterial meningitis, and boom, he meets Bigfoot. I mean, Bigfoot. Can you believe it? It’s already number 1 on the New York Times Best Seller list. Amazing.”

“I almost died,” added Flumbo.

According to Flumbo, Bigfoot:

  • is approximately 7 to 12 feet tall
  • is covered in hair
  • is in “okay” shape
  • has been having financial issues (“He calls himself Shopsquatch,” said Flumbo)
  • is definitely Christian (“He had a Bible that said “Bigfoot’s Bible” on the cover,” added Flumbo)
  • believes abortion is the greatest threat facing America today
  • thinks the Yeti is “kind of a dick”
  • crochets
  • thinks Flumbo is a cool and good name
  • has read Heaven is for Real and enjoyed it immensely
  • purchased his copy of Heaven is for Real on Amazon.com, using the promo code PORBFLUMBO
  • thought Greg Kinnear’s turn in The Matador was “criminally underrated”
  • is extremely excited for the April 2014 release of the Heaven is for Real movie, starring Greg Kinnear

Critics believe the Dinguses have lied and scammed their way onto the bestseller list. Porb denies this. “Bigfoot is real,” he says, convincingly. The family has dealt with their fair share of criticism over the past few years, but Porb believes there’s nothing more Christian than benefiting from a son dying and then coming back to life. “If Jesus had met Bigfoot when he died,” he says, believably, “you can bet God would have included it in the Bible.”

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Daily Currant Article Funny

In an unexpected turn of events, a recent article from The Daily Currant, the self-proclaimed global satirical newspaper of record, was funny. Known for fooling 85 year olds into sharing their content on Facebook, The Currant’s successful attempt at humor came as a shock to its “many” “devoted” “readers.”

“It was weird. Whenever I see a Currant article, it’s because some distant relative mistakes it for a real news story,” said Derek Copeland, 22, of Edmonton, Alberta. “I thought their whole thing was being vaguely plausible, not being funny.”

“I saw the headline, and I actually chuckled audibly,” said Miranda Johnston, 26, of Lubbock, Texas. “Usually the headline is something realistic and boring, but this time it contained a joke. An honest-to-God joke.”

Calling it “completely unprecedented,” prominent researcher Thomas Research was as surprised as everyone else. “If you take the two main demographics of the Currant’s readership, you’re left with “Tricked Aunts,” and “People Who Actually Find It Funny,”” said Research. “If you were to make a pie chart out of those two groups, it would look like Pacman with his mouth closed. That’s why this is so shocking.”

“Good satire punches upwards,” said The Daily Currant’s founder, Daniel Barkeley, “Amazing satire doesn’t punch at all. It hardly even registers as like, a touch or a flick. Amazing satire tricks you into thinking it’s real. It’s actually smarter than regular satire, the kind with jokes.”

When asked if he thought his website would continue being funny, Barkeley smirked and said, “People overdosing on weed. That answer your question?”

As of yesterday, the most popular articles on The Daily Currant’s website were “Rising Tensions In The Middle East” and “Sarah Palin “Loves” NPR. The Reason This Is Funny And Smart Is Because She Actually Doesn’t Love NPR. Satire.”