On The Canucks

I’ve had some time to process last night’s monumental collapse, and I believe I’ve come up with an eminently reasonable solution to this team’s problems.

Fire everyone.

Fire the coach.

Fire his assistants.

Fire the GM.

Fire the assistant GM.

Explain to me what exactly it is the director of player personnel does, and then fire him.

Fire the scouting staff and replace them with me. I will use a Hockey News magazine and the internet, and I will do a better job.

Fire the equipment manager.

Fire the trainers.

Fire the PA announcer.

Fire the guy who designed the jerseys.

Fire the entire marketing department.

Trade every single player in the organization. I don’t care what you get in return. Get the stink of this franchise off of them. They’ve done nothing to deserve this.

Fire the guy at Rogers Arena who makes the mini donuts. Every time I eat one, I taste four decades of failure. Way to go, assholes: you’ve somehow managed to ruin mini donuts.

Travel back in time and fire the guy who thought it was a good idea to bring the NHL to Vancouver. He’s literally responsible for millions of dollars in property damage.

Fuck every fan of any other team that claims to “hate” the Canucks. You haven’t earned the right to say that.

Make it so every time someone wins the Stanley Cup as the Canucks in NHL 14, the game disc self-destructs, lights the console on fire, and burns down their house.

Make it so I don’t feel like calling social services whenever I see a kid wearing a Canucks jersey.

Hire Dan Cloutier as a goaltending consultant, just for shits and giggles. What’s that? You already did that? All right, fuck it then – make him the GM.

Stop celebrating the 1994 team. Breaking news: they lost. Looking forward to the 2031 pregame ceremony where we applaud the 2011 team and pretend we don’t know how it ended.

But hey, speaking of 2031, it’s entirely possible that you’ll have won a Cup by then. Here is a brief list of things that are more possible:

• Complete nuclear annihilation

• Massive earthquake destroys Vancouver

• Massive earthquake destroys Vancouver with the Canucks leading by 3 with 30 seconds left in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals

• Seattle is awarded NHL franchise, wins Cup in first year of existence

• NBA team wins Stanley Cup

God damn it.

Fuck this team.