Boring As Heck

Category: Sports

Darren Rovell Visits The 9/11 Memorial Museum

Note: Darryl Darren, if you’re reading this, it’s a joke. It’s not a real thing. Do not attempt to contact a university official. Do not email yourself and ask if you wrote these tweets. These are not real tweets. It’s fake. It’s a parody. 

@darrenrovell: $24 to get into 9/11 Memorial Museum. $9.11 would make more sense. That’s the date the terrorist attacks took place.

@darrenrovell: 9/11 rescue workers receive free entry to the museum. I did not receive a discount despite my nearly 500,000 Twitter followers.

@darrenrovell: Man standing next to me in “Remembering the Children of 9/11” exhibit is wearing hilarious Mark Sanchez t-shirt.

@darrenrovell: The museum is hemmed in by a grove of 400 oak trees. Asked our tour guide the minimum amount of trees required to constitute a grove. He said he’d get back to me.

@darrenrovell: Female museum staff members averaging a 7/10. About what I expected. Attractive, but not distractingly so.

@darrenrovell: No Baja Blast in museum cafeteria soda fountains. Disappointing.

@darrenrovell: Designer of 9/11 memorial ribbon made an excellent choice going with red, white, and blue.

@darrenrovell: Common mistake: It’s “The Pet Goat,” not “My Pet Goat.” Sales of the book shot up 176% in the months following the terrorist attacks.

@darrenrovell: I will never fail to be impressed by the sheer courage it took to postpone a full week’s slate of regular season NFL games.

@darrenrovell: Interesting fact: 9 divided by 11 is 0.81818181818. (H/T @fart_gun)

@darrenrovell: No exhibit dedicated to the yearly memorial tweets of multinational brands. I will have to imagine the tweets in my head. Nice one, Cheerios. Good job, Applebees.

@darrenrovell: 2,606 people died during the collapse of the World Trade Center. That’s nearly 218 times more people than the average NBA roster.

@darrenrovell: 9/11 gift shop a major faux pas. Museum design doesn’t force you to exit through it.

@darrenrovell: Just remembered the Budweiser commercial where the Clydesdales kneel in front of the New York skyline. Fun fact: those horses were all computer generated.

@darrenrovell: 9/11 Memorial Museum a somber, sobering experience. I now truly understand the sacrifices made by those brave few. Never forget.

@darrenrovell: Minor league baseball team to hold Kanye/Kim wedding night promotion. (H/T @greg_147)



On The Canucks

I’ve had some time to process last night’s monumental collapse, and I believe I’ve come up with an eminently reasonable solution to this team’s problems.

Fire everyone.

Fire the coach.

Fire his assistants.

Fire the GM.

Fire the assistant GM.

Explain to me what exactly it is the director of player personnel does, and then fire him.

Fire the scouting staff and replace them with me. I will use a Hockey News magazine and the internet, and I will do a better job.

Fire the equipment manager.

Fire the trainers.

Fire the PA announcer.

Fire the guy who designed the jerseys.

Fire the entire marketing department.

Trade every single player in the organization. I don’t care what you get in return. Get the stink of this franchise off of them. They’ve done nothing to deserve this.

Fire the guy at Rogers Arena who makes the mini donuts. Every time I eat one, I taste four decades of failure. Way to go, assholes: you’ve somehow managed to ruin mini donuts.

Travel back in time and fire the guy who thought it was a good idea to bring the NHL to Vancouver. He’s literally responsible for millions of dollars in property damage.

Fuck every fan of any other team that claims to “hate” the Canucks. You haven’t earned the right to say that.

Make it so every time someone wins the Stanley Cup as the Canucks in NHL 14, the game disc self-destructs, lights the console on fire, and burns down their house.

Make it so I don’t feel like calling social services whenever I see a kid wearing a Canucks jersey.

Hire Dan Cloutier as a goaltending consultant, just for shits and giggles. What’s that? You already did that? All right, fuck it then – make him the GM.

Stop celebrating the 1994 team. Breaking news: they lost. Looking forward to the 2031 pregame ceremony where we applaud the 2011 team and pretend we don’t know how it ended.

But hey, speaking of 2031, it’s entirely possible that you’ll have won a Cup by then. Here is a brief list of things that are more possible:

• Complete nuclear annihilation

• Massive earthquake destroys Vancouver

• Massive earthquake destroys Vancouver with the Canucks leading by 3 with 30 seconds left in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals

• Seattle is awarded NHL franchise, wins Cup in first year of existence

• NBA team wins Stanley Cup

God damn it.

Fuck this team.

Return of the Mock Draft Ruiner