Boring As Heck

Month: July, 2015

Tracklist For Morrissey’s Upcoming Olive Garden Concept Album

Here is a sneak peek at the tracklist for Morrissey’s upcoming concept album, Olive Garden Waste Of Time:


1. My Hopes Are Thinner Than The Vegan Options At Olive Garden

2.  Life After The Culver City Olive Garden Location Refused To Accept My Coupon

3. How Can Anyone Possible Enjoy The Hell On Earth That Is Olive Garden

4. The Breadsticks Are No Longer Unlimited

5. Bar Shut The Doors To The Culver City Olive Garden

6. My Arms Empty, My Mushrooms Stuffed

7. Is It That Difficult To Find My Reservation, It Could Only Be Under “M”

8. A Miniature September 11th Happens Every Day In Olive Garden Kitchens Nationwide

9. There Is A Place In Hell For The Manager Of The Culver City Olive Garden

10. Take My Hand, For I Am Drowning In Dipping Sauce

11. I’ll Reluctantly Admit That $6.99 Is A Great Price For The Classic Tuscan Duo

12. Olive Garden Lunch Disaster 2015

13. Darling, I’ve Decided To Try Applebee’s

14. If Olive Garden Were Around In The 1940s, Hitler Would Have Gone Nuts For It

Donald Trump Press Release

July 14, 2015


The press had a field day with regards to a recent incident involving me and the fast food restaurant McDonald’s. Yes, I was recently in a Manhattan McDonald’s, attempting to purchase breakfast. Yes, it was 10:35 in the morning. Yes, I became incensed, as is my right as an American. But are you telling me that this multi-billion-dollar restaurant can’t make me an Egg McMuffin five minutes past the supposed cutoff time? Really? I met Ray Kroc once, back in 1982. He was a smart businessman. This isn’t what he would have wanted, and I know that for a fact.

To be honest, I don’t even care. My personal chef can make me a breakfast sandwich one billion times as good as your Egg McMuffin, which is an incredibly stupid name for a sandwich. It sounds more like a muffin than a sandwich. Again, I am extremely successful. To me, it’s like, whatever. Who cares. I’m not mad about this at all. I own several towers. If I owned a fast food franchise, it would serve breakfast all day. That’s a Trump Promise. 

Headlines all over the world blared “Trump’s McDonald’s Meltdown,” or “Billionaire Mogul Donald Trump Cries In McDonald’s Bathroom,” or “VIDEO: Donald Trump Apparently Thinks Hash Browns Are Made Of Chicken.” The media has made a big deal about all of this, but it’s a bunch of hogwash. I know what hash browns are made out of. I have a casino with my name on it. Illegal immigration is the biggest problem facing America today. But the second biggest is McDonald’s archaic breakfast policy.