So here’s what I have so far. The words in bold represent cool ideas and good images.
We open on a multi-racial family. They are sitting on a cliff. The son looks up at his father and asks, “What does tomorrow hold for us?” The father smiles knowingly.
Cut to a dazzling cityscape, with lots of blurry, fast-moving lights, like when somebody travels to Las Vegas in a movie. What are those fast-moving lights? Are they cars? Could they be cars? Wouldn’t that be incredibly sick?
Guess what, fuckers. They are cars.
We zoom in on one of the cars. It’s the all-new Kia Pudendum. Inside is the family, the one from the cliff. They have left the cliff, presumably using the car. We don’t know for sure – the mystery draws the viewer in.
The family drives the car across a bridge. The bridge represents progress. The car moving forward across the bridge represents double progress.
Cut to the car driving along a winding road through a forest. We see a deer drinking from a creek. The deer looks up, startled. The car drives by the deer, immediately calming it down. Because we don’t explicitly state that the Pudendum has deer-calming powers, we don’t have to include a disclaimer.
The car leaves the forest and hauls ass next to a cornfield. The Pudendum drives by a scarecrow so quickly that the scarecrow appears to turn its head to look. We want people to think that scarecrows might be alive. We want them to experience this primal fear.
It is winter. As such, there is snow. The cold is no problem for the Pudendum, though. The car drives down a busy street full of holiday shoppers. The family stares at the festive lighting displays in awe, imagining all of the cool shit they can purchase with money.
It is another season. We see a sundial. It is impossible to tell what time it is, partially because the shadow of the Pudendum looms over everything, but mainly because it’s a sundial. We zoom out and see the Pudendum speeding down the Mediterranean coast. The entire family is wearing sunglasses. It is heavily implied that they are extremely wealthy but would still be nice to you if they met you in real life.
We return to the cliff – the same cliff as before. That’s why I said “return.” Everything is the same as it was earlier in the ad, except the family is now inside the Pudendum. The father smiles at the mother. The son taps the father on his muscly-ass shoulder and asks, “What does today hold for us?” The father, once again, smiles knowingly. He revs the engine and drives off the cliff. The Pudendum disappears, but reappears as it is lifted up by a group of non-denominational angelic beings. One of them is Asian. The family is happy forever, because of the car. The 2014 Kia Pudendum.
Hey – Stefan, right? Come on in. Take a seat. Coffee? Tea? Oh, “you’re good?” Haha, let’s hold off on saying that until after the interview! Just messing around.
How was the drive over? Great, that’s great.
You sure you don’t want something to drink? No?
Well, Stefan, I’m definitely intrigued by the first couple of shirt ideas I’ve seen. This website is called EffedUpTees.com for a reason, and I’m really hoping you’ll be able to meet – hell, surpass – my expectations.
Let’s take a look at some of your designs.
• The Words “IT’S SUPER BIG” Above An Arrow Pointing Downwards
Classic stuff. I think this is the first one you sent me. Love it. It’s simple, and yet mysterious. What’s super big? Follow the arrow to find out.
• A Dog In Sunglasses Drinking A Beer While Flipping The Middle Finger
Wonderful. The dog is cool, but it’s also messed up, because it’s drinking a beer and flipping the bird. People will enjoy this because dogs don’t normally do that.
• Grumpy Cat as Che Guevara
Nicely done. Combining something timeless with something that’s not as well known, like Che, is a winning strategy.
• Hitler Sucking His Own Dick
This… well, I never thought I’d say this, but maybe there is such a thing as too Effed Up. Keep in mind our target demographic: fathers with neck tattoos and teens who use fireworks year-round.
• Hitler Sucking Grumpy Cat’s Dick
First of all, Grumpy Cat is a girl. I know, right? Seriously though, maybe try and move away from the whole “Hitler/oral sex” thing. Expand your horizons.
• Chewbacca Smoking Weed
Now this… this has the makings of one Effed Up Tee. Did they even have weed in the Star Wars movies? Who cares. It’s funny. Boom. T shirt.
• Grumpy Cat Sucking Hitler’s Dick
Okay. Again, I understand what it’s like to get stuck in a rut. Don’t be discouraged. Let’s see what else you’ve got.
• An Alien With A Boner Above The Words “Area 69”
Fantastic. Simple, yet elegant. I like how you replaced 51 with 69.
• Speech Bubble: “My Dick? It’s Gluten Free”
You have a gift. Gluten Free is a popular thing to make fun of right now. People will see it on a shirt and say, “That shirt has topical humor on it. I want one.”
• Charles Manson With A Dick Tattooed On His Forehead
Excellent. We could definitely sell this under the Vintage category. The teens might not know who Charles Manson is, but they love dicks.
• An Angry Bird Taking A Crap. Caption: Angry Turds.
Sublime. The words sound the same, and it’s about a game you play on your phone. Lots of people have phones, and find turds funny. I’m loving what I’m seeing. I’d say this is basically a done dea-
• Hitler Shitting Grumpy Cat Out Of His Ass. Grumpy Cat Is Sucking A Miniature Hitler’s Dick. The Mini Hitler Has Diarrhea. The Big Hitler Also Has Diarrhea. And Also So Does Grumpy Cat.
• Grumpy Cat Is Doing The Troll Face Too But You Can Still Tell It’s Grumpy Cat. The Diarrhea Has Corn In It.
Well I mean-
• Big Hitler’s Penis Is Flapping Around (It Has Those Little Motion Lines). It’s Squirting Out Piss Everywhere And A Bunch Of Kids Are Drinking It. Mini Hitler Is Giving The Thumbs-Up.
We’ll uh… we’ll get back to you.
If you like my dumb crap on Twitter, maybe you’ll like it on here, where I’m not constrained by character limits and can be dumber and crappier.