Boring As Heck

Category: Uncategorized

For Sale, Baby Shoes, Worn by a Grown Adult Man

For sale: baby shoes, never worn.

Well, okay, to be more specific, never worn by a baby. I wore them – once – so they’re not in the best shape. But, I mean, like, a baby could probably still wear them. It’s not like they would know that there was anything wrong with them. Babies are generally pretty stupid.

Now I know what you’re probably thinking, but no, it’s not some weird fetish thing. It’s a thriving community of like-minded men. We have a message board, and we do monthly meet ups, y’know, we go to the movies, go for beers. And yes – we attempt to wear baby shoes.

There’s nothing wrong with grown men trying to wear baby shoes. Stop looking at me like that. And anyway, who are you to judge? You’re the one trying to buy baby shoes from a stranger. Me? I have a guy.

You know what? I shouldn’t even have to explain myself to you. Why don’t you try walking a mile in my tiny baby shoes before judging me? It’s really hard. The shoes are super small and they don’t fit. I mean, that’s kinda part of the whole thing, but still. I realize now that it does sort of sound like a fetish, but—

What’s that?

Oh – oh god, I’m sorry. You’re here for the TV stand? Oh geez. Uh, forty bucks. Oh, and, um, one of the drawers gets stuck. Yeah, you just have to kind of, like, push and pull at the same time.

Yeah, it’s pretty counterintuitive.

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Donald Trump Press Release

July 14, 2015

DONALD J. TRUMP on RECENT MCDONALD’S INCIDENT

The press had a field day with regards to a recent incident involving me and the fast food restaurant McDonald’s. Yes, I was recently in a Manhattan McDonald’s, attempting to purchase breakfast. Yes, it was 10:35 in the morning. Yes, I became incensed, as is my right as an American. But are you telling me that this multi-billion-dollar restaurant can’t make me an Egg McMuffin five minutes past the supposed cutoff time? Really? I met Ray Kroc once, back in 1982. He was a smart businessman. This isn’t what he would have wanted, and I know that for a fact.

To be honest, I don’t even care. My personal chef can make me a breakfast sandwich one billion times as good as your Egg McMuffin, which is an incredibly stupid name for a sandwich. It sounds more like a muffin than a sandwich. Again, I am extremely successful. To me, it’s like, whatever. Who cares. I’m not mad about this at all. I own several towers. If I owned a fast food franchise, it would serve breakfast all day. That’s a Trump Promise. 

Headlines all over the world blared “Trump’s McDonald’s Meltdown,” or “Billionaire Mogul Donald Trump Cries In McDonald’s Bathroom,” or “VIDEO: Donald Trump Apparently Thinks Hash Browns Are Made Of Chicken.” The media has made a big deal about all of this, but it’s a bunch of hogwash. I know what hash browns are made out of. I have a casino with my name on it. Illegal immigration is the biggest problem facing America today. But the second biggest is McDonald’s archaic breakfast policy.

When Genocide is Permissible

Uh, never?

Return to Mock Draft Island

 

 

Darren Rovell Visits The 9/11 Memorial Museum

Note: Darryl Darren, if you’re reading this, it’s a joke. It’s not a real thing. Do not attempt to contact a university official. Do not email yourself and ask if you wrote these tweets. These are not real tweets. It’s fake. It’s a parody. 

@darrenrovell: $24 to get into 9/11 Memorial Museum. $9.11 would make more sense. That’s the date the terrorist attacks took place.

@darrenrovell: 9/11 rescue workers receive free entry to the museum. I did not receive a discount despite my nearly 500,000 Twitter followers.

@darrenrovell: Man standing next to me in “Remembering the Children of 9/11” exhibit is wearing hilarious Mark Sanchez t-shirt.

@darrenrovell: The museum is hemmed in by a grove of 400 oak trees. Asked our tour guide the minimum amount of trees required to constitute a grove. He said he’d get back to me.

@darrenrovell: Female museum staff members averaging a 7/10. About what I expected. Attractive, but not distractingly so.

@darrenrovell: No Baja Blast in museum cafeteria soda fountains. Disappointing.

@darrenrovell: Designer of 9/11 memorial ribbon made an excellent choice going with red, white, and blue.

@darrenrovell: Common mistake: It’s “The Pet Goat,” not “My Pet Goat.” Sales of the book shot up 176% in the months following the terrorist attacks.

@darrenrovell: I will never fail to be impressed by the sheer courage it took to postpone a full week’s slate of regular season NFL games.

@darrenrovell: Interesting fact: 9 divided by 11 is 0.81818181818. (H/T @fart_gun)

@darrenrovell: No exhibit dedicated to the yearly memorial tweets of multinational brands. I will have to imagine the tweets in my head. Nice one, Cheerios. Good job, Applebees.

@darrenrovell: 2,606 people died during the collapse of the World Trade Center. That’s nearly 218 times more people than the average NBA roster.

@darrenrovell: 9/11 gift shop a major faux pas. Museum design doesn’t force you to exit through it.

@darrenrovell: Just remembered the Budweiser commercial where the Clydesdales kneel in front of the New York skyline. Fun fact: those horses were all computer generated.

@darrenrovell: 9/11 Memorial Museum a somber, sobering experience. I now truly understand the sacrifices made by those brave few. Never forget.

@darrenrovell: Minor league baseball team to hold Kanye/Kim wedding night promotion. (H/T @greg_147)

 

 

Bigfoot Is For Real

Bigfoot is definitely real.

Bigfoot is for Real is the latest bestseller from acclaimed author Porb Dingus, a Nebraskan pastor who wrote the 2010 book Heaven is for Real, in which his 4 year old son, Flumbo Dingus, visited heaven during an emergency appendectomy. In Bigfoot, Flumbo undergoes another emergency procedure, and when he awakens, describes his meeting with the legendary Sasquatch – in stunning detail. 

“Well, with the movie coming out so soon – April 2014, mark it down – we decided that this was the perfect time to release a new book,” said Porb Dingus in a recent interview. “We said, “Flumbo, we’re going to need you to get very sick again, so we can write about whatever you see while the doctors are operating on you.” So we moved him into a college dorm for a few weeks until he contracted bacterial meningitis, and boom, he meets Bigfoot. I mean, Bigfoot. Can you believe it? It’s already number 1 on the New York Times Best Seller list. Amazing.”

“I almost died,” added Flumbo.

According to Flumbo, Bigfoot:

  • is approximately 7 to 12 feet tall
  • is covered in hair
  • is in “okay” shape
  • has been having financial issues (“He calls himself Shopsquatch,” said Flumbo)
  • is definitely Christian (“He had a Bible that said “Bigfoot’s Bible” on the cover,” added Flumbo)
  • believes abortion is the greatest threat facing America today
  • thinks the Yeti is “kind of a dick”
  • crochets
  • thinks Flumbo is a cool and good name
  • has read Heaven is for Real and enjoyed it immensely
  • purchased his copy of Heaven is for Real on Amazon.com, using the promo code PORBFLUMBO
  • thought Greg Kinnear’s turn in The Matador was “criminally underrated”
  • is extremely excited for the April 2014 release of the Heaven is for Real movie, starring Greg Kinnear

Critics believe the Dinguses have lied and scammed their way onto the bestseller list. Porb denies this. “Bigfoot is real,” he says, convincingly. The family has dealt with their fair share of criticism over the past few years, but Porb believes there’s nothing more Christian than benefiting from a son dying and then coming back to life. “If Jesus had met Bigfoot when he died,” he says, believably, “you can bet God would have included it in the Bible.”

Job Interview

Hey – Stefan, right? Come on in. Take a seat. Coffee? Tea? Oh, “you’re good?” Haha, let’s hold off on saying that until after the interview! Just messing around.

How was the drive over? Great, that’s great.

You sure you don’t want something to drink? No?

Well, Stefan, I’m definitely intrigued by the first couple of shirt ideas I’ve seen. This website is called EffedUpTees.com for a reason, and I’m really hoping you’ll be able to meet – hell, surpass – my expectations.

Let’s take a look at some of your designs.

• The Words “IT’S SUPER BIG” Above An Arrow Pointing Downwards

Classic stuff. I think this is the first one you sent me. Love it. It’s simple, and yet mysterious. What’s super big? Follow the arrow to find out.

• A Dog In Sunglasses Drinking A Beer While Flipping The Middle Finger

Wonderful. The dog is cool, but it’s also messed up, because it’s drinking a beer and flipping the bird. People will enjoy this because dogs don’t normally do that.

• Grumpy Cat as Che Guevara

Nicely done. Combining something timeless with something that’s not as well known, like Che, is a winning strategy.

• Hitler Sucking His Own Dick

This… well, I never thought I’d say this, but maybe there is such a thing as too Effed Up. Keep in mind our target demographic: fathers with neck tattoos and teens who use fireworks year-round.

• Hitler Sucking Grumpy Cat’s Dick

First of all, Grumpy Cat is a girl. I know, right? Seriously though, maybe try and move away from the whole “Hitler/oral sex” thing. Expand your horizons.

• Chewbacca Smoking Weed

Now this… this has the makings of one Effed Up Tee. Did they even have weed in the Star Wars movies? Who cares. It’s funny. Boom. T shirt.

• Grumpy Cat Sucking Hitler’s Dick

Okay. Again, I understand what it’s like to get stuck in a rut. Don’t be discouraged. Let’s see what else you’ve got.

• An Alien With A Boner Above The Words “Area 69”

Fantastic. Simple, yet elegant. I like how you replaced 51 with 69.

• Speech Bubble: “My Dick? It’s Gluten Free”

You have a gift. Gluten Free is a popular thing to make fun of right now. People will see it on a shirt and say, “That shirt has topical humor on it. I want one.”

• Charles Manson With A Dick Tattooed On His Forehead

Excellent. We could definitely sell this under the Vintage category. The teens might not know who Charles Manson is, but they love dicks.

• An Angry Bird Taking A Crap. Caption: Angry Turds.

Sublime. The words sound the same, and it’s about a game you play on your phone. Lots of people have phones, and find turds funny. I’m loving what I’m seeing. I’d say this is basically a done dea-

• Hitler Shitting Grumpy Cat Out Of His Ass. Grumpy Cat Is Sucking A Miniature Hitler’s Dick. The Mini Hitler Has Diarrhea. The Big Hitler Also Has Diarrhea. And Also So Does Grumpy Cat.

I uh…

• Grumpy Cat Is Doing The Troll Face Too But You Can Still Tell It’s Grumpy Cat. The Diarrhea Has Corn In It.

Well I mean-

• Big Hitler’s Penis Is Flapping Around (It Has Those Little Motion Lines). It’s Squirting Out Piss Everywhere And A Bunch Of Kids Are Drinking It. Mini Hitler Is Giving The Thumbs-Up.

We’ll uh… we’ll get back to you.

The 50 Best Tweets of All Time

https://twitter.com/MuscularSon/status/296492503685791744

Hey

If you like my dumb crap on Twitter, maybe you’ll like it on here, where I’m not constrained by character limits and can be dumber and crappier.