Boring As Heck

Well, it’s almost here. And no, I’m not talking about the zombie apocalypse! The final episode of the final season of Breaking Bad airs this Sunday, and if you’re anything like me, you’ve got some major questions that need answering. Here are ten of mine.

1. Who is Heisenburb? 

This is probably the number one most asked question in the history of the show. For the past 5 seasons, all we’ve heard about is Heisenburb, Heisenburb, Heisenburb. With one episode left, it’s safe to assume we’ll finally get an answer. Me? I’ve got my money on Jesse. But knowing series creator Vince Gilligan, the Heisenburb answer will almost assuredly come out of left field. This leads me to my next question:

2. How do you spell Heisenburb?

This has seriously been bugging me for like 5 years. Can someone please tell me.

3. Where is Gus?

Remember Gus? The fast food guy with glasses? What the heck happened to him? He seems to have disappeared completely – maybe he met with Saul’s vacuum repairman, haha (reference to recent episode). Anyway, I really enjoyed this character – he was a bad guy, but he ran a successful fast food chain. Would love to get some closure on this.

4. Does anyone on this show poop or shit?

In 5 seasons of Breaking Bad, the only character we’ve seen crapping is Hank. Are we to assume that the other characters just don’t crap? Have Walt, Skyler, Jesse, Saul, and the rest evolved past the need to eliminate waste? If so, what caused this evolution? Meth? Was it the meth that makes them not have to crap? I need to know why they don’t crap. Why don’t they crap. If I don’t find this out I’m going to be pissed off.

5. Is New Mexico a state or is it like that whole “New England” deal?

When I was a kid we were playing this game where we went in a circle and everyone had to say a state and if you couldn’t name one you were out, and I said New England and looked like a complete jackass. Needless to say, I don’t want that to happen again. It would be nice if Vince Gilligan could clear this up, because the guys at Yahoo Answers are being a bunch of jerks.

6. Is Walt also the dad from Malcolm in the Middle?

It would be extremely funny and cool if they were somehow the same character. Let’s say Walt is put into Witness Protection and becomes the dad from M in the M… frankly, that would be classic as hell. Surely I am the first person to come up with this humorous idea. The shows are different but maybe the characters are the same. One is a family sitcom and one is a drama about the drug trade. Worlds collide! Unlikely, and yet epic. Hold on a sec, I’m going to go tweet this theory.

7. What if, bear with me here, what if the dad from Malcolm in the Middle BECAME Walt?

Sort of the reverse of my last question. What if the crazy antics of his family drive him so far up the wall that he moves to New Mexico, somehow joins a new family, and starts cooking meth? Probably not going to happen but it would be super hilarious if it did. As you can see from these last two questions, I’m vaguely knowledgeable about pop culture, and I’m also very funny and creative.

8. I really think I’m on to something here with the whole Malcolm in the Middle connection.

Seriously. Can you imagine. Walt kills everyone. He meets with the FBI. Instead of killing him or arresting him, for some reason they say, “We’ve got a plan for you. You’re going to join the Witness Protection Program. We’ve got a great spot for you.” And then Walt would be like, “Where?” and they’d be like “Somewhere… in the middle.” This thing pretty much writes itself.

9. Why is Skyler such a bitch?

Walt is murdering people and selling drugs for her benefit. All she does is yell and nag and whine about his illicit activities – activities that have made her family a lot of money! Walt has basically been “friendzoned” by Skyler, even though he has a cool goatee and wears a pork pie hat.

10. Who will live… and who will die?

This is pretty much my number one question, even though it says number ten. We have to assume that some people will live and some will die. The question is, who? Which people. Which characters will live and which characters will die. I want to know this and a lot of other people do, as well. This is probably why they will watch the finale. I know that’s why I’m watching. It will be interesting to find out who lives and dies. That’s basically what I want to know, and that’s why I’ll be tuning in. Also the crap thing, I want to see if any of them crap or not.