Bigfoot is for Real is the latest bestseller from acclaimed author Porb Dingus, a Nebraskan pastor who wrote the 2010 book Heaven is for Real, in which his 4 year old son, Flumbo Dingus, visited heaven during an emergency appendectomy. In Bigfoot, Flumbo undergoes another emergency procedure, and when he awakens, describes his meeting with the legendary Sasquatch – in stunning detail.
“Well, with the movie coming out so soon – April 2014, mark it down – we decided that this was the perfect time to release a new book,” said Porb Dingus in a recent interview. “We said, “Flumbo, we’re going to need you to get very sick again, so we can write about whatever you see while the doctors are operating on you.” So we moved him into a college dorm for a few weeks until he contracted bacterial meningitis, and boom, he meets Bigfoot. I mean, Bigfoot. Can you believe it? It’s already number 1 on the New York Times Best Seller list. Amazing.”
“I almost died,” added Flumbo.
According to Flumbo, Bigfoot:
Critics believe the Dinguses have lied and scammed their way onto the bestseller list. Porb denies this. “Bigfoot is real,” he says, convincingly. The family has dealt with their fair share of criticism over the past few years, but Porb believes there’s nothing more Christian than benefiting from a son dying and then coming back to life. “If Jesus had met Bigfoot when he died,” he says, believably, “you can bet God would have included it in the Bible.”
In an unexpected turn of events, a recent article from The Daily Currant, the self-proclaimed global satirical newspaper of record, was funny. Known for fooling 85 year olds into sharing their content on Facebook, The Currant’s successful attempt at humor came as a shock to its “many” “devoted” “readers.”
“It was weird. Whenever I see a Currant article, it’s because some distant relative mistakes it for a real news story,” said Derek Copeland, 22, of Edmonton, Alberta. “I thought their whole thing was being vaguely plausible, not being funny.”
“I saw the headline, and I actually chuckled audibly,” said Miranda Johnston, 26, of Lubbock, Texas. “Usually the headline is something realistic and boring, but this time it contained a joke. An honest-to-God joke.”
Calling it “completely unprecedented,” prominent researcher Thomas Research was as surprised as everyone else. “If you take the two main demographics of the Currant’s readership, you’re left with “Tricked Aunts,” and “People Who Actually Find It Funny,”" said Research. “If you were to make a pie chart out of those two groups, it would look like Pacman with his mouth closed. That’s why this is so shocking.”
“Good satire punches upwards,” said The Daily Currant’s founder, Daniel Barkeley, “Amazing satire doesn’t punch at all. It hardly even registers as like, a touch or a flick. Amazing satire tricks you into thinking it’s real. It’s actually smarter than regular satire, the kind with jokes.”
When asked if he thought his website would continue being funny, Barkeley smirked and said, “People overdosing on weed. That answer your question?”
As of yesterday, the most popular articles on The Daily Currant’s website were “Rising Tensions In The Middle East” and “Sarah Palin “Loves” NPR. The Reason This Is Funny And Smart Is Because She Actually Doesn’t Love NPR. Satire.”
My friends, let me preface this by saying that I’m certainly no fiscal expert. I may have “zero financial acumen.” I may not “know what acumen means.” I may “jack off into a sock before work, and then immediately after work, and then right before bed.” But I do know a thing or two about the stock market.
I fucking love science. Science for the motherfricking epic win. Don’t know if you’ve seen the shit I’ve been sharing on Facebook, but it’s a lot of stuff about science and how fucking epically motherbitching sick it is. It’s cool to talk about science using swear words. The swear words make the science better.
You see what Takei posted the other day? Yeah, the funny picture with big words written over the picture. Epic much? The man knows his internet – he’s practically made of win. His posts are basically just a big order of win with a side of fucking epic bacon and a bunch of fucking sriracha sauce poured on top. Shit yes. Science.
My favorite scientist? No question, it’s Tesla. Tesla is for the win. Simple as that, my man. He’s win and Edison is fail. If Edison was around today, I’d kick him in the dick. I hate Thomas Edison and love Tesla because of some insanely freaking epic webcomics I’ve read, where he’s riding a dinosaur and just doing altogether random shit. Tesla much? He’s epic as hell, which, by the way, is where Edison is. Or he would be, if hell was a real place, which it’s not. That reminds me, you see that image macro about how stupid those failshit Christians are? Bacon for the win.
Science… fuck yeah. The cool part about learning science on Facebook is that they use pictures and the words aren’t very big and you get to browse Facebook the entire time. Plus, the swearing. You can’t swear in school which is bullshit. I think I would like school a lot more if it was compacted down into meme format. Like instead of summer reading we could just look at like 10 to 20 different memes a day. Neil deGrasse Tyson for the motherepic shit win.
Don’t know if you’ve seen that science meme gallery on Imgur, but god damn, son – epic as motherfreaking hell. Science Wonka, Science Grumpy Cat – just like sriracha, there’s nothing that can’t be improved by adding science. Tell that to those insane Christians down in the South though. I’m not afraid to say it – religion is a huge fail.
Mother of Cthulhu… you see this Kickstarter for a gaming webcomic? Jesus mothershitting MechaChrist on a motorcycle… my wallet. Gaming webcomics are a massive win. I love to game and read comics about gaming. The characters are sarcastic as hell and say rude things with no consequences. I’m extremely jealous of them.
I’m going to buy this sick t-shirt I found online that says I Fucking Love Science on it. I’m going to literally pay money for that shirt. Well, the “fucking” part will be censored because otherwise my mom won’t let me use her credit card. Everyone will know how much I love science because that’s what it says on my shirt. Definitely gonna be a key part of the shirt rotation, behind I Fucking Love Bacon and this hilarious one where a bunch of those Russian guys from history are dancing and drinking. Yeah, like a party. That’s the joke. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and read the latest Tesla listicle and then share it on Facebook so everyone knows that I know who Tesla is. Sweet zombieshitting Jesus – I just realized Tesla never got to try sriracha.
Well, it’s almost here. And no, I’m not talking about the zombie apocalypse! The final episode of the final season of Breaking Bad airs this Sunday, and if you’re anything like me, you’ve got some major questions that need answering. Here are ten of mine.
1. Who is Heisenburb?
This is probably the number one most asked question in the history of the show. For the past 5 seasons, all we’ve heard about is Heisenburb, Heisenburb, Heisenburb. With one episode left, it’s safe to assume we’ll finally get an answer. Me? I’ve got my money on Jesse. But knowing series creator Vince Gilligan, the Heisenburb answer will almost assuredly come out of left field. This leads me to my next question:
2. How do you spell Heisenburb?
This has seriously been bugging me for like 5 years. Can someone please tell me.
3. Where is Gus?
Remember Gus? The fast food guy with glasses? What the heck happened to him? He seems to have disappeared completely – maybe he met with Saul’s vacuum repairman, haha (reference to recent episode). Anyway, I really enjoyed this character – he was a bad guy, but he ran a successful fast food chain. Would love to get some closure on this.
4. Does anyone on this show poop or shit?
In 5 seasons of Breaking Bad, the only character we’ve seen crapping is Hank. Are we to assume that the other characters just don’t crap? Have Walt, Skyler, Jesse, Saul, and the rest evolved past the need to eliminate waste? If so, what caused this evolution? Meth? Was it the meth that makes them not have to crap? I need to know why they don’t crap. Why don’t they crap. If I don’t find this out I’m going to be pissed off.
5. Is New Mexico a state or is it like that whole “New England” deal?
When I was a kid we were playing this game where we went in a circle and everyone had to say a state and if you couldn’t name one you were out, and I said New England and looked like a complete jackass. Needless to say, I don’t want that to happen again. It would be nice if Vince Gilligan could clear this up, because the guys at Yahoo Answers are being a bunch of jerks.
6. Is Walt also the dad from Malcolm in the Middle?
It would be extremely funny and cool if they were somehow the same character. Let’s say Walt is put into Witness Protection and becomes the dad from M in the M… frankly, that would be classic as hell. Surely I am the first person to come up with this humorous idea. The shows are different but maybe the characters are the same. One is a family sitcom and one is a drama about the drug trade. Worlds collide! Unlikely, and yet epic. Hold on a sec, I’m going to go tweet this theory.
7. What if, bear with me here, what if the dad from Malcolm in the Middle BECAME Walt?
Sort of the reverse of my last question. What if the crazy antics of his family drive him so far up the wall that he moves to New Mexico, somehow joins a new family, and starts cooking meth? Probably not going to happen but it would be super hilarious if it did. As you can see from these last two questions, I’m vaguely knowledgeable about pop culture, and I’m also very funny and creative.
8. I really think I’m on to something here with the whole Malcolm in the Middle connection.
Seriously. Can you imagine. Walt kills everyone. He meets with the FBI. Instead of killing him or arresting him, for some reason they say, “We’ve got a plan for you. You’re going to join the Witness Protection Program. We’ve got a great spot for you.” And then Walt would be like, “Where?” and they’d be like “Somewhere… in the middle.” This thing pretty much writes itself.
9. Why is Skyler such a bitch?
Walt is murdering people and selling drugs for her benefit. All she does is yell and nag and whine about his illicit activities – activities that have made her family a lot of money! Walt has basically been “friendzoned” by Skyler, even though he has a cool goatee and wears a pork pie hat.
10. Who will live… and who will die?
This is pretty much my number one question, even though it says number ten. We have to assume that some people will live and some will die. The question is, who? Which people. Which characters will live and which characters will die. I want to know this and a lot of other people do, as well. This is probably why they will watch the finale. I know that’s why I’m watching. It will be interesting to find out who lives and dies. That’s basically what I want to know, and that’s why I’ll be tuning in. Also the crap thing, I want to see if any of them crap or not.
So here’s what I have so far. The words in bold represent cool ideas and good images.
We open on a multi-racial family. They are sitting on a cliff. The son looks up at his father and asks, “What does tomorrow hold for us?” The father smiles knowingly.
Cut to a dazzling cityscape, with lots of blurry, fast-moving lights, like when somebody travels to Las Vegas in a movie. What are those fast-moving lights? Are they cars? Could they be cars? Wouldn’t that be incredibly sick?
Guess what, fuckers. They are cars.
We zoom in on one of the cars. It’s the all-new Kia Pudendum. Inside is the family, the one from the cliff. They have left the cliff, presumably using the car. We don’t know for sure – the mystery draws the viewer in.
The family drives the car across a bridge. The bridge represents progress. The car moving forward across the bridge represents double progress.
Cut to the car driving along a winding road through a forest. We see a deer drinking from a creek. The deer looks up, startled. The car drives by the deer, immediately calming it down. Because we don’t explicitly state that the Pudendum has deer-calming powers, we don’t have to include a disclaimer.
The car leaves the forest and hauls ass next to a cornfield. The Pudendum drives by a scarecrow so quickly that the scarecrow appears to turn its head to look. We want people to think that scarecrows might be alive. We want them to experience this primal fear.
It is winter. As such, there is snow. The cold is no problem for the Pudendum, though. The car drives down a busy street full of holiday shoppers. The family stares at the festive lighting displays in awe, imagining all of the cool shit they can purchase with money.
It is another season. We see a sundial. It is impossible to tell what time it is, partially because the shadow of the Pudendum looms over everything, but mainly because it’s a sundial. We zoom out and see the Pudendum speeding down the Mediterranean coast. The entire family is wearing sunglasses. It is heavily implied that they are extremely wealthy but would still be nice to you if they met you in real life.
We return to the cliff – the same cliff as before. That’s why I said “return.” Everything is the same as it was earlier in the ad, except the family is now inside the Pudendum. The father smiles at the mother. The son taps the father on his muscly-ass shoulder and asks, “What does today hold for us?” The father, once again, smiles knowingly. He revs the engine and drives off the cliff. The Pudendum disappears, but reappears as it is lifted up by a group of non-denominational angelic beings. One of them is Asian. The family is happy forever, because of the car. The 2014 Kia Pudendum.