Boring As Heck

haha this is so fuckin sweet.. apparently you can use your imagination to travel to diff. times/places. grounded my ass.

— very cool. and nice. (@dogboner) March 8, 2011

Before I knew what weed was I thought all the cool kids were gesturing to each other about sucking tiny rat dicks behind the school.

— Ceej (@ceejoyner) October 2, 2012

i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, u collect it” so i wrote the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”

— jon hendren (@fart) May 26, 2012

Hey kid…catch *Lebron tosses kid his headband* *Kid tosses it back* Keep it. You ol barbershop ass corn cob pipe lookin ass motherfucker

— Digital Daniel (@BronzeHammer) June 19, 2013

"69 Diane Lane" is both my street address and my life goal

— Jeff (@doctor_ass) May 20, 2011

when i was 7 i had a crush on a girl in my class & didnt know how to deal w it so I wrote her a letter that just said "get out of my school"

— halloween lindsey (@Lindzeta) January 15, 2013

i resemble sports illustrated in that im worthless and i have swimsuit issues

— Steve Porno (@bug_deal) October 20, 2010

"Holodeck, load simulation: Alternate Universe Where Ernest From The Movies Didn't Die," I said as I placed my head into the oven.

— fka happy loam (@without_content) April 25, 2012

dudes with chain wallets are hella tough. like you cant even take their wallet. its attached to a chain

— r milk (@rad_milk) August 7, 2012

another day volunteering at the betsy ross museum. everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the flag. buddy, they wont even let me fuck it

— wint (@dril) February 20, 2012

As a kid I wasn't so much "straight" or "gay" as I was "aroused by that scene in Charlotte's Web when Templeton eats garbage at the fair"

— Eireann Dolan (@EireannDolan) July 24, 2012

Roses Are Red / Violets Are Blue / Objectivism Is A Morally Bankrupt Ideology / Ayn Rand Sucked As A Writer And Person Too

— Amber Eeeeeee (@rare_basement) February 14, 2012

Tomatoes are a rich source of lycopene (werewolf dick).

— lanyard (@lanyardigan) April 5, 2013

my superpower is the ability to superheat my legs. it makes my kicks hurt enemys like 3% more. it's uncomfortable and i hate my hot legs

— Big-Tity Honker's (@BikiniBabeLover) February 26, 2012

*crests a hill* hey dudes

— deg (@degg) November 10, 2012

"And the GOP pick for president is Ron Paul yeaa ahhh waahhh we knew u could do it ron" – Ron Paul alone in his room with He-Man figurines

— Syn Darktalyn (@InsaneFeelsGuy) October 18, 2011

wait unicorns arent real? are u saying I SUCKED OFF A REGULAR HORSE???

— Nicole K. Mullen (@nickmullen) February 27, 2012

Comment on every picture of someone's dog, "What is this"

— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) April 24, 2013

Possible McDonald's slogan evolution next 20 yrs: i'm lovin' it -> im lovin it -> mm..lovin it -> mm…eat -> haha..mmm.. -> m.haha…yeh..m

— winter lake (@kat_ratmaze) January 8, 2011

For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage "Wonderwall" on acoustic guitar and release him back to you

— Mickey McCauley (@Mickey_McCauley) January 29, 2013

calling bacon my "guilty pleasure" kinda cheapens the fact that sometimes i put cigarettes out on my infant son

— Nicole K. Mullen (@nickmullen) March 21, 2013

Being an ironic peace of shit. Now thats paper. Getting faved by a Net Girl *in slowed down voice* Now thats paper

— lehan (@leh0n) August 10, 2012

Bad credit? NO credit? Credit? Bad? Are you bad? No life? Model trains? Do you spend Friday nights playing with model trains?

— Degenerate Gandhi (@Bro_Pair) January 11, 2013

You call this a "hint" of lime you fucking fascist? This is a fucking book of revelations of lime. #Tostitos

— DVS (@DVSblast) January 8, 2012

Shouldn't there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

— rob delaney (@robdelaney) July 10, 2013

YOUR LONG HAIRED 5-YEAR-OLD SON IS SO UNIQUE, IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 4, 2013

*leans into taco bell drive thru mic* The world is a vampire

— sega juice (@dry_hugs) December 18, 2012

Hey "Vegan's": If you love animals so much, why do you keep eating all there food? Also, why dont you marry it? Bitch

— Big-Tity Honker's (@BikiniBabeLover) October 28, 2012

im a simple man. *lifts something into truck* i work hard. i play hard. and when it comes to anime *dusts hands* i prefer subs to dubs.

— very cool. and nice. (@dogboner) June 22, 2011

Dylan owns 6 swords. To calculate how often Dylan has had sex, multiply the number of swords he owns by the number zero

— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) November 17, 2012

lacan once said 'the very foundation of interhuman discourse is misunderstanding.' what the hell is that supposed to mean you french fag

— brendle what (@brendlewhat) November 21, 2009

I am going to buy a pug and put it in a puffy jacket and teach it to say "babygirl" to me whenever I am feeling bad

— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) March 8, 2012

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

— Steve Porno (@bug_deal) November 4, 2012

i don't smoke weed because last time i did it i stood in the kitchen and boiled an onion and ate it and the whole process took like 4 hours

— jon hendren (@fart) June 3, 2012

Hey John Arbuckle,big fan. 2 quick Q's: 1.Where the fuck is your nose u shitheel idiot? 2.u know your cat is in the newspaper?

— DVS (@DVSblast) September 30, 2011

at one point, every man named Gary was a baby and was introduced by his parents as "This is my baby, Gary" how fucked up is that shit

— Cool Pond (@cool_pond) December 11, 2012

this ikea colouring book that came with my bed is pretty boring. it's just a bunch of pictures of partially built beds.

— buupy (@jennyvsjenny) June 12, 2011

*impales flutist* "must be flute poisoning" *bludgeons French horn player* "am I making u horny" *throws tuba player off cliff* "tu…bad."

— Horton (@crushingbort) July 25, 2012

*granpa walks in living room wearing Hitler outfit* bet you kids thought your old Gramps never heard of irony huh [kids start cheering ]

— Funny website man (@BevisSimpson) March 16, 2012

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

— Rob Fee (@robfee) March 29, 2013

the whole neigjborhood is outside in the street crazy yelling because guy across the street managed to flush a basketball down the toilet.

— LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR (@BAKKOOONN) July 28, 2013

you can't expect me to live my life like this. it's like asking an ice road trucker to truck across a normal road

— sskylark (@sskylark) November 19, 2011

arrested for flexing at Ground Zero

— Mitch Website (@Ulillillysses) June 11, 2011

*rolls down my window and yells at black person on the sidewalk* Yo..Rap is some good ass shit!!!

— lehan (@leh0n) April 14, 2012

(board meeting ) how about, Windows: WILLennium Edition. … [will smith and dancers are heard mistakenly making entrance across the hall]

— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) November 19, 2011

internet ad: "are u tired of jerking off?" no

— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) June 3, 2012

Chrono Trigger has 13 different endings…could you remind me again how many Ulysses has?

— Rod Trunq (@freecialis) January 30, 2012

tool is good because some times you want metallica except about fucking… shell spirals and all the calculator buttons that arent normal

— Competent Man (@DinkMagic) April 25, 2013

Wow to the street vendor serving raspberry smoothies named "Cop Guts from 9/11" at ground zero site, $8.99 is over priced as hell

— first time slammer (@olhnso) April 17, 2011