The 50 Best Tweets of All Time
by Boring as Heck
haha this is so fuckin sweet.. apparently you can use your imagination to travel to diff. times/places. grounded my ass.
— very cool. and nice. (@dogboner) March 8, 2011
Before I knew what weed was I thought all the cool kids were gesturing to each other about sucking tiny rat dicks behind the school.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) October 2, 2012
i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, u collect it” so i wrote the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”
— jon hendren (@fart) May 26, 2012
Hey kid…catch *Lebron tosses kid his headband* *Kid tosses it back* Keep it. You ol barbershop ass corn cob pipe lookin ass motherfucker
— Digital Daniel (@BronzeHammer) June 19, 2013
"69 Diane Lane" is both my street address and my life goal
— Jeff (@doctor_ass) May 20, 2011
when i was 7 i had a crush on a girl in my class & didnt know how to deal w it so I wrote her a letter that just said "get out of my school"
— halloween lindsey (@Lindzeta) January 15, 2013
i resemble sports illustrated in that im worthless and i have swimsuit issues
— Steve Porno (@bug_deal) October 20, 2010
"Holodeck, load simulation: Alternate Universe Where Ernest From The Movies Didn't Die," I said as I placed my head into the oven.
— fka happy loam (@without_content) April 25, 2012
dudes with chain wallets are hella tough. like you cant even take their wallet. its attached to a chain
— r milk (@rad_milk) August 7, 2012
another day volunteering at the betsy ross museum. everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the flag. buddy, they wont even let me fuck it
— wint (@dril) February 20, 2012
As a kid I wasn't so much "straight" or "gay" as I was "aroused by that scene in Charlotte's Web when Templeton eats garbage at the fair"
— Eireann Dolan (@EireannDolan) July 24, 2012
https://twitter.com/MuscularSon/status/296492503685791744
Roses Are Red / Violets Are Blue / Objectivism Is A Morally Bankrupt Ideology / Ayn Rand Sucked As A Writer And Person Too
— Amber Eeeeeee (@rare_basement) February 14, 2012
Tomatoes are a rich source of lycopene (werewolf dick).
— lanyard (@lanyardigan) April 5, 2013
my superpower is the ability to superheat my legs. it makes my kicks hurt enemys like 3% more. it's uncomfortable and i hate my hot legs
— Big-Tity Honker's (@BikiniBabeLover) February 26, 2012
*crests a hill* hey dudes
— deg (@degg) November 10, 2012
"And the GOP pick for president is Ron Paul yeaa ahhh waahhh we knew u could do it ron" – Ron Paul alone in his room with He-Man figurines
— Syn Darktalyn (@InsaneFeelsGuy) October 18, 2011
wait unicorns arent real? are u saying I SUCKED OFF A REGULAR HORSE???
— Nicole K. Mullen (@nickmullen) February 27, 2012
Comment on every picture of someone's dog, "What is this"
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) April 24, 2013
Possible McDonald's slogan evolution next 20 yrs: i'm lovin' it -> im lovin it -> mm..lovin it -> mm…eat -> haha..mmm.. -> m.haha…yeh..m
— winter lake (@kat_ratmaze) January 8, 2011
For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage "Wonderwall" on acoustic guitar and release him back to you
— Mickey McCauley (@Mickey_McCauley) January 29, 2013
calling bacon my "guilty pleasure" kinda cheapens the fact that sometimes i put cigarettes out on my infant son
— Nicole K. Mullen (@nickmullen) March 21, 2013
Being an ironic peace of shit. Now thats paper. Getting faved by a Net Girl *in slowed down voice* Now thats paper
— lehan (@leh0n) August 10, 2012
Bad credit? NO credit? Credit? Bad? Are you bad? No life? Model trains? Do you spend Friday nights playing with model trains?
— Degenerate Gandhi (@Bro_Pair) January 11, 2013
You call this a "hint" of lime you fucking fascist? This is a fucking book of revelations of lime. #Tostitos
— DVS (@DVSblast) January 8, 2012
Shouldn't there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) July 10, 2013
YOUR LONG HAIRED 5-YEAR-OLD SON IS SO UNIQUE, IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 4, 2013
*leans into taco bell drive thru mic* The world is a vampire
— sega juice (@dry_hugs) December 18, 2012
Hey "Vegan's": If you love animals so much, why do you keep eating all there food? Also, why dont you marry it? Bitch
— Big-Tity Honker's (@BikiniBabeLover) October 28, 2012
im a simple man. *lifts something into truck* i work hard. i play hard. and when it comes to anime *dusts hands* i prefer subs to dubs.
— very cool. and nice. (@dogboner) June 22, 2011
Dylan owns 6 swords. To calculate how often Dylan has had sex, multiply the number of swords he owns by the number zero
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) November 17, 2012
lacan once said 'the very foundation of interhuman discourse is misunderstanding.' what the hell is that supposed to mean you french fag
— brendle what (@brendlewhat) November 21, 2009
I am going to buy a pug and put it in a puffy jacket and teach it to say "babygirl" to me whenever I am feeling bad
— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) March 8, 2012
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
— Steve Porno (@bug_deal) November 4, 2012
i don't smoke weed because last time i did it i stood in the kitchen and boiled an onion and ate it and the whole process took like 4 hours
— jon hendren (@fart) June 3, 2012
Hey John Arbuckle,big fan. 2 quick Q's: 1.Where the fuck is your nose u shitheel idiot? 2.u know your cat is in the newspaper?
— DVS (@DVSblast) September 30, 2011
at one point, every man named Gary was a baby and was introduced by his parents as "This is my baby, Gary" how fucked up is that shit
— Cool Pond (@cool_pond) December 11, 2012
this ikea colouring book that came with my bed is pretty boring. it's just a bunch of pictures of partially built beds.
— buupy (@jennyvsjenny) June 12, 2011
*impales flutist* "must be flute poisoning" *bludgeons French horn player* "am I making u horny" *throws tuba player off cliff* "tu…bad."
— Horton (@crushingbort) July 25, 2012
*granpa walks in living room wearing Hitler outfit* bet you kids thought your old Gramps never heard of irony huh [kids start cheering ]
— Funny website man (@BevisSimpson) March 16, 2012
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) March 29, 2013
the whole neigjborhood is outside in the street crazy yelling because guy across the street managed to flush a basketball down the toilet.
— LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR (@BAKKOOONN) July 28, 2013
you can't expect me to live my life like this. it's like asking an ice road trucker to truck across a normal road
— sskylark (@sskylark) November 19, 2011
arrested for flexing at Ground Zero
— Mitch Website (@Ulillillysses) June 11, 2011
*rolls down my window and yells at black person on the sidewalk* Yo..Rap is some good ass shit!!!
— lehan (@leh0n) April 14, 2012
(board meeting ) how about, Windows: WILLennium Edition. … [will smith and dancers are heard mistakenly making entrance across the hall]
— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) November 19, 2011
internet ad: "are u tired of jerking off?" no
— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) June 3, 2012
Chrono Trigger has 13 different endings…could you remind me again how many Ulysses has?
— Rod Trunq (@freecialis) January 30, 2012
tool is good because some times you want metallica except about fucking… shell spirals and all the calculator buttons that arent normal
— Competent Man (@DinkMagic) April 25, 2013
Wow to the street vendor serving raspberry smoothies named "Cop Guts from 9/11" at ground zero site, $8.99 is over priced as hell
— first time slammer (@olhnso) April 17, 2011
fucking gay
This list is lacking some utilitlimb tweets
for anyone looking for a low-cost way to print and laminate this blog post, might i suggest killing yourself? i assume it will work for me. stay tuned
Im shit. Im fuckin bull shit
aw fuck yeh. got all 50 of these open in separate tabs, gonna parse em down to my favs and then jerk off and fill a kiddie pool, godd damn
le best post :0