The 50 Best Tweets of All Time
by Boring as Heck
haha this is so fuckin sweet.. apparently you can use your imagination to travel to diff. times/places. grounded my ass.
— very cool. and nice. (@dogboner) March 8, 2011
Before I knew what weed was I thought all the cool kids were gesturing to each other about sucking tiny rat dicks behind the school.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) October 2, 2012
i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, u collect it” so i wrote the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”
— jon hendren (@fart) May 26, 2012
Hey kid…catch *Lebron tosses kid his headband* *Kid tosses it back* Keep it. You ol barbershop ass corn cob pipe lookin ass motherfucker
— Digital Daniel (@BronzeHammer) June 19, 2013
"69 Diane Lane" is both my street address and my life goal
— Jeff (@doctor_ass) May 20, 2011
when i was 7 i had a crush on a girl in my class & didnt know how to deal w it so I wrote her a letter that just said "get out of my school"
— halloween lindsey (@Lindzeta) January 15, 2013
i resemble sports illustrated in that im worthless and i have swimsuit issues
— Steve Porno (@bug_deal) October 20, 2010
"Holodeck, load simulation: Alternate Universe Where Ernest From The Movies Didn't Die," I said as I placed my head into the oven.
— fka happy loam (@without_content) April 25, 2012
dudes with chain wallets are hella tough. like you cant even take their wallet. its attached to a chain
— r milk (@rad_milk) August 7, 2012
another day volunteering at the betsy ross museum. everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the flag. buddy, they wont even let me fuck it
— wint (@dril) February 20, 2012
As a kid I wasn't so much "straight" or "gay" as I was "aroused by that scene in Charlotte's Web when Templeton eats garbage at the fair"
— Eireann Dolan (@EireannDolan) July 24, 2012
Roses Are Red / Violets Are Blue / Objectivism Is A Morally Bankrupt Ideology / Ayn Rand Sucked As A Writer And Person Too
— Amber Eeeeeee (@rare_basement) February 14, 2012
Tomatoes are a rich source of lycopene (werewolf dick).
— lanyard (@lanyardigan) April 5, 2013
my superpower is the ability to superheat my legs. it makes my kicks hurt enemys like 3% more. it's uncomfortable and i hate my hot legs
— Big-Tity Honker's (@BikiniBabeLover) February 26, 2012
*crests a hill* hey dudes
— deg (@degg) November 10, 2012
"And the GOP pick for president is Ron Paul yeaa ahhh waahhh we knew u could do it ron" – Ron Paul alone in his room with He-Man figurines
— Syn Darktalyn (@InsaneFeelsGuy) October 18, 2011
wait unicorns arent real? are u saying I SUCKED OFF A REGULAR HORSE???
— Nicole K. Mullen (@nickmullen) February 27, 2012
Comment on every picture of someone's dog, "What is this"
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) April 24, 2013
Possible McDonald's slogan evolution next 20 yrs: i'm lovin' it -> im lovin it -> mm..lovin it -> mm…eat -> haha..mmm.. -> m.haha…yeh..m
— winter lake (@kat_ratmaze) January 8, 2011
For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage "Wonderwall" on acoustic guitar and release him back to you
— Mickey McCauley (@Mickey_McCauley) January 29, 2013
calling bacon my "guilty pleasure" kinda cheapens the fact that sometimes i put cigarettes out on my infant son
— Nicole K. Mullen (@nickmullen) March 21, 2013
Being an ironic peace of shit. Now thats paper. Getting faved by a Net Girl *in slowed down voice* Now thats paper
— lehan (@leh0n) August 10, 2012
Bad credit? NO credit? Credit? Bad? Are you bad? No life? Model trains? Do you spend Friday nights playing with model trains?
— Degenerate Gandhi (@Bro_Pair) January 11, 2013
You call this a "hint" of lime you fucking fascist? This is a fucking book of revelations of lime. #Tostitos
— DVS (@DVSblast) January 8, 2012
Shouldn't there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) July 10, 2013
YOUR LONG HAIRED 5-YEAR-OLD SON IS SO UNIQUE, IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 4, 2013
*leans into taco bell drive thru mic* The world is a vampire
— sega juice (@dry_hugs) December 18, 2012
Hey "Vegan's": If you love animals so much, why do you keep eating all there food? Also, why dont you marry it? Bitch
— Big-Tity Honker's (@BikiniBabeLover) October 28, 2012
im a simple man. *lifts something into truck* i work hard. i play hard. and when it comes to anime *dusts hands* i prefer subs to dubs.
— very cool. and nice. (@dogboner) June 22, 2011
Dylan owns 6 swords. To calculate how often Dylan has had sex, multiply the number of swords he owns by the number zero
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) November 17, 2012
lacan once said 'the very foundation of interhuman discourse is misunderstanding.' what the hell is that supposed to mean you french fag
— brendle what (@brendlewhat) November 21, 2009
I am going to buy a pug and put it in a puffy jacket and teach it to say "babygirl" to me whenever I am feeling bad
— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) March 8, 2012
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
— Steve Porno (@bug_deal) November 4, 2012
i don't smoke weed because last time i did it i stood in the kitchen and boiled an onion and ate it and the whole process took like 4 hours
— jon hendren (@fart) June 3, 2012
Hey John Arbuckle,big fan. 2 quick Q's: 1.Where the fuck is your nose u shitheel idiot? 2.u know your cat is in the newspaper?
— DVS (@DVSblast) September 30, 2011
at one point, every man named Gary was a baby and was introduced by his parents as "This is my baby, Gary" how fucked up is that shit
— Cool Pond (@cool_pond) December 11, 2012
this ikea colouring book that came with my bed is pretty boring. it's just a bunch of pictures of partially built beds.
— buupy (@jennyvsjenny) June 12, 2011
*impales flutist* "must be flute poisoning" *bludgeons French horn player* "am I making u horny" *throws tuba player off cliff* "tu…bad."
— Horton (@crushingbort) July 25, 2012
*granpa walks in living room wearing Hitler outfit* bet you kids thought your old Gramps never heard of irony huh [kids start cheering ]
— Funny website man (@BevisSimpson) March 16, 2012
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) March 29, 2013
the whole neigjborhood is outside in the street crazy yelling because guy across the street managed to flush a basketball down the toilet.
— LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR (@BAKKOOONN) July 28, 2013
you can't expect me to live my life like this. it's like asking an ice road trucker to truck across a normal road
— sskylark (@sskylark) November 19, 2011
arrested for flexing at Ground Zero
— Mitch Website (@Ulillillysses) June 11, 2011
*rolls down my window and yells at black person on the sidewalk* Yo..Rap is some good ass shit!!!
— lehan (@leh0n) April 14, 2012
(board meeting ) how about, Windows: WILLennium Edition. … [will smith and dancers are heard mistakenly making entrance across the hall]
— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) November 19, 2011
internet ad: "are u tired of jerking off?" no
— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) June 3, 2012
Chrono Trigger has 13 different endings…could you remind me again how many Ulysses has?
— Rod Trunq (@freecialis) January 30, 2012
tool is good because some times you want metallica except about fucking… shell spirals and all the calculator buttons that arent normal
— Competent Man (@DinkMagic) April 25, 2013
Wow to the street vendor serving raspberry smoothies named "Cop Guts from 9/11" at ground zero site, $8.99 is over priced as hell
— first time slammer (@olhnso) April 17, 2011