Car Commercial

by Boring as Heck

So here’s what I have so far. The words in bold represent cool ideas and good images.

We open on a multi-racial family. They are sitting on a cliff. The son looks up at his father and asks, “What does tomorrow hold for us?” The father smiles knowingly.

Cut to a dazzling cityscape, with lots of blurry, fast-moving lights, like when somebody travels to Las Vegas in a movie. What are those fast-moving lights? Are they cars? Could they be cars? Wouldn’t that be incredibly sick?

Guess what, fuckers. They are cars.

We zoom in on one of the cars. It’s the all-new Kia Pudendum. Inside is the family, the one from the cliff. They have left the cliff, presumably using the car. We don’t know for sure – the mystery draws the viewer in.

The family drives the car across a bridge. The bridge represents progress. The car moving forward across the bridge represents double progress.

Cut to the car driving along a winding road through a forest. We see a deer drinking from a creek. The deer looks up, startled. The car drives by the deer, immediately calming it down. Because we don’t explicitly state that the Pudendum has deer-calming powers, we don’t have to include a disclaimer.

The car leaves the forest and hauls ass next to a cornfield. The Pudendum drives by a scarecrow so quickly that the scarecrow appears to turn its head to look. We want people to think that scarecrows might be alive. We want them to experience this primal fear.

It is winter. As such, there is snow. The cold is no problem for the Pudendum, though. The car drives down a busy street full of holiday shoppers. The family stares at the festive lighting displays in awe, imagining all of the cool shit they can purchase with money.

It is another season. We see a sundial. It is impossible to tell what time it is, partially because the shadow of the Pudendum looms over everything, but mainly because it’s a sundial. We zoom out and see the Pudendum speeding down the Mediterranean coast. The entire family is wearing sunglasses. It is heavily implied that they are extremely wealthy but would still be nice to you if they met you in real life.

We return to the cliff – the same cliff as before. That’s why I said “return.” Everything is the same as it was earlier in the ad, except the family is now inside the Pudendum. The father smiles at the mother. The son taps the father on his muscly-ass shoulder and asks, “What does today hold for us?” The father, once again, smiles knowingly. He revs the engine and drives off the cliff. The Pudendum disappears, but reappears as it is lifted up by a group of non-denominational angelic beings. One of them is Asian. The family is happy forever, because of the car. The 2014 Kia Pudendum.

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