On The Canucks
by Boring as Heck
I’ve had some time to process last night’s monumental collapse, and I believe I’ve come up with an eminently reasonable solution to this team’s problems.
Fire everyone.
Fire the coach.
Fire his assistants.
Fire the GM.
Fire the assistant GM.
Explain to me what exactly it is the director of player personnel does, and then fire him.
Fire the scouting staff and replace them with me. I will use a Hockey News magazine and the internet, and I will do a better job.
Fire the equipment manager.
Fire the trainers.
Fire the PA announcer.
Fire the guy who designed the jerseys.
Fire the entire marketing department.
Trade every single player in the organization. I don’t care what you get in return. Get the stink of this franchise off of them. They’ve done nothing to deserve this.
Fire the guy at Rogers Arena who makes the mini donuts. Every time I eat one, I taste four decades of failure. Way to go, assholes: you’ve somehow managed to ruin mini donuts.
Travel back in time and fire the guy who thought it was a good idea to bring the NHL to Vancouver. He’s literally responsible for millions of dollars in property damage.
Fuck every fan of any other team that claims to “hate” the Canucks. You haven’t earned the right to say that.
Make it so every time someone wins the Stanley Cup as the Canucks in NHL 14, the game disc self-destructs, lights the console on fire, and burns down their house.
Make it so I don’t feel like calling social services whenever I see a kid wearing a Canucks jersey.
Hire Dan Cloutier as a goaltending consultant, just for shits and giggles. What’s that? You already did that? All right, fuck it then – make him the GM.
Stop celebrating the 1994 team. Breaking news: they lost. Looking forward to the 2031 pregame ceremony where we applaud the 2011 team and pretend we don’t know how it ended.
But hey, speaking of 2031, it’s entirely possible that you’ll have won a Cup by then. Here is a brief list of things that are more possible:
• Complete nuclear annihilation
• Massive earthquake destroys Vancouver
• Massive earthquake destroys Vancouver with the Canucks leading by 3 with 30 seconds left in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals
• Seattle is awarded NHL franchise, wins Cup in first year of existence
• NBA team wins Stanley Cup
God damn it.
Fuck this team.
Boring As Heck 
Reblogged this on Section 328 and commented:
It could be worse. This could be our outlook.
Oh, stop it. Try being an Islanders fan for 5 minutes, let alone the last 20 years. You’ve just had, like, ten seasons of playoffs and competing every year. Some fanbases would kill for that.
The Canucks are a mess (seriously, trading both Schneider AND Luongo???), but how about using a little perspective here and realizing that as bad as it is for the Canucks this season, some fanbases have suffered a lot more.
How many cups do the Islanders have? Oh did they have a dynasty? That’s right….
Uhhhh…… you have Stanley Cups….I’ve hated the Islanders for beating teams I liked…the Canucks have been breaking my heart for more then 20 years.
I was having a shitty day and this turned it all around
Thank you
[…] Inspired by the Canucks meltdown to the Islanders, this is the epic Canucks rant to end all Canucks rants. It starts with “Fire everyone” and gets more vitriolic from there. [Boring as Heck] […]
Best. Rant. Ever.
as an islander fan, i absolutely love your righteous anger. you (we) are not alone.
Still…it could be worse; could be a Leafs fan 😉