Stock Tips

by Boring as Heck

My friends, let me preface this by saying that I’m certainly no fiscal expert. I may have “zero financial acumen.” I may not “know what acumen means.” I may “jack off into a sock before work, and then immediately after work, and then right before bed.” But I do know a thing or two about the stock market.

  • Bear market: bad. Bull market: good. An easy way to remember this is that bears are bad and bulls are good.
  • Not a lot of people know this but you can basically pick any stock and you’ll probably make money off of it.
  • If a celeb is ringing the stock exchange bell, all the stocks are worth twice as much that day. It’s like Double XP Weekend but for stocks.
  • Companies that make toilets have stocks that you can buy. Haha you can buy stocks in the thing that people poop in hahahahaha.
  • The stock market runs under the traditional “no-take-backsies” system.
  • In the event of a massive stock market crash, elbow the person next to you and say something like “Too bad this market doesn’t have air bags!” Keep elbowing them if they don’t respond.
  • If you’re on the floor of the stock exchange, you have to constantly be holding handfuls of paper.
  • Day trading has several advantages, namely that it takes place during the day, when more people are awake.
  • Contrary to popular belief, “stockbrokers” are actually bad. You don’t want your stocks to go broke. That’s like the opposite of what you want.
  • If the market starts to tank, invest in wearable barrels.
  • Insider trading is when you use facts to understand stocks better, and it is illegal. Only use your gut to pick stocks, or choose ones that have funny names.
  • Just yelling “buy” or “sell” seems to work pretty well. I think as long as you’re making eye contact with somebody you should be good.
  • Wondering what the difference between stocks and bonds is? I have no fucking idea.
  • People on the stock market floor get pissed if you keep asking “Hey, if this is the floor, where’s the ceiling? Huh? The ceiling?”
  • The stock market may seem overwhelming at first, but it gets waaaay more overwhelming as time goes on.
  • “Trader” sounds like “traitor.” Take advantage of this. If you buy or sell the wrong stock, say something like “Wow, I feel more like a stock traitor.” Maybe write it down, it’s easier to see the difference in writing.
  • Refer to the stock market as Ol’ Stocky. The other traders will respect you for using a cool nickname.
  • Slick your hair back and wear suspenders. Wear a belt as well, because my suspenders broke after I snapped them for 3 hours straight.
  • If for whatever reason your stock is failing, you can flip the chart upside down and it’ll look like you’re making a ton of money.